mercimonamie:

i fell in love with him like ketchup falls out of a bottle: slowly, and then all at once.

(via charwhale)

snorlaxatives:

99% sure my neighbors have seen me naked through my window at least 20 times

(via autumntiara)

asssasssin:

I just took a pregnancy test I’m not pregnant I’m just fat

(via j-ams)

penguinize:

no matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s i’m still gonna eat it

(via heartless)

tardisity:

The oldest person alive was born on April 19, 1897, meaning that April 18th, 1897 was approximately the last time the Earth was inhabited by an entirely different set of people and if you don’t think that’s the realist shit ever then you can get right on outta town.

(via lionheartedkings)